“Experts in war depend specially on opportunity and expediency. They do not place the burden of accomplishment specially on their men” – Ch’en Hao
“Now the method of employing men is to use the avaricious and the stupid, the wise and the brave, and I give responsibility to each in situations that suit him. Do not charge people to do what they cannot do. Select them and give them responsibilities commensurate with their abilities.” – Chang Yu
So why all the philosophical quotes? Well I want to talk about an aspect of leadership that is seldom discussed. What happens when a project goes wrong and the blame starts flying left and right.
In this case (and no I won’t name names) an acquaintance that works at a large company told me about a project she was involved in and how her project leader mismanaged the whole operation from start to finish. When things started really going bad and the upper management began to take notice the manager started assigning blame left and right but of course never accepted any for himself.
In this case my friend described the project and all the challenges involved, all the tasks that needed to be done and some of the other people involved and it became fairly clear that the project manager had mishandled things primarily by not assigning people the jobs for which they were best suited for. Senior personnel were given research jobs fit for starting staff and junior staffers were assigned tasks for which they had no training for.
The second error that the project manager committed was not making himself available for consultation and expecting the situation to resolve itself favorably. When red flags started popping up and things were not going as the schedule demanded the manager failed to heed the warnings and take preventative measures. He wanted everyone to stick to the original plan.
The last error and really something classless to do was to place the blame on the subordinates and not acknowledge his part in the failure. By the way that my friend described the events it really sounded as if the project manager really believed that he was blameless. Luckily the upper management took notice of the chain of events and took appropriate measures but the damage was already done and the project was set back several months and cost the company a lot of money and prestige with their client.
A situation that could have been easily avoided if the project manager had been more conscientious about his management of the project, had been more flexible in his approach but most of all if he had taken an active rather than a passive role in the development of the project.
So you’ve spotted someone who you’re interested in. You want to make the introduction and get to know them. You go up to them and greet them and…nothing. Well maybe she doesn’t want to talk, maybe she’s tired, maybe waiting for someone to arrive. Move on.
Twenty minutes later, the same person you interested in. Some random guy tries to talk to them but now she has a totally different attitude. Very open, very receptive.
So what’s going on? Did you do something wrong? Dress the wrong way, say the wrong thing? What?
The answer is….yes and no.
One thing I’ve noticed being an observer in life (and observing is a large part of what I’ve done these last forty odd years) is that in some cases it really doesn’t matter what you wear, what you say, what you look like. Don’t get me wrong. All that stuff helps out. But the main thing that determines if this person will reciprocate interest is if they’re open to that attention or not.
I have seen guys in the latest fashions, the flashy jewelry, and smoothest lines get shot down while some frumpy little guy simply says hello and ends up having a six-hour conversation with the same woman.
If a woman is interested in you then you can use the stupidest hackneyed lines, dress like hell, and she’ll still think that you’re awesome and she will reciprocate the interest. Honestly, I have heard guys use ridiculously cheesy lines. Stuff right out of bad movies and a woman will react favorably.
If she’s not interested then it doesn’t matter what you wear, what you say, or do. Nothing will change her mind.
Why you ask? What makes her interested in you to begin with? Difficult to say as it’s different for everyone but maybe the guy in question is tall, maybe he’s got the build that she’s interested in. Maybe something in his body language appeals to her. Maybe s combination of factors.
That initial impression caries so much power in it that it can either buttress or taint a relationship before it even starts.
How do you make that first impression count when you don’t know what someone else is looking for? You can’t carry a whole wardrobe, an image consultant, a joke writer, and a make up artist everywhere with you.
The best and really the only thing you can do is to be confident in your own skin and project that aspect of you outwards. You have to be the biggest fan of you that exists. If you are self-assured and you really think that you’re great and you are confident about yourself then that will show on the outside.
On the other hand if you’re dissatisfied with yourself and unsure then all of that will also come out in your bearing. Even before you say a word it will be in your eyes and people will react negatively. If you don’t love yourself then how do you expect others to?
Does this always work? No. Believe it or not, in this life not everyone will think that you’re great. Maybe they’ll think you’re nice but someone else is better. That’s something that you will have to accept. So, no promises other than the promise that if you get into this frame of mind that you will have a better chance of success than if you’re in the wrong frame of mind.
[Author’s note: This is part of a series of writing challenges first proposed to me by Leslie Farnsworth. Leslie has organized and expanded the challenge to include a larger group of excellent blog writers. Once per month one member of the group will propose a topic and we will all give our own unique take on the subject. You may want to look at some of the other bloggers listed below to see what they came up with:
First, full disclosure. My last pet died about 17 years ago. Since that time I haven’t even entertained the thought of getting another pet. I am primarily going to discuss the relationship between humans and cats and dogs as those are the two best known pets species in the world.
So where did pets come from and why do we still have them? Obviously they started as work animals. Additional hands for hunting, vermin eradicators, guard animals, and occasionally food sources. Practicality was at the core of the decision to keep them but along the way something rare happened. Mutual affection. Something rare amongst humans let alone between different species.
We became attached to these helpmates that we had created for ourselves and they in turn became attached to us.
So now thousands of years since adopting them for practical purposes and a century or so since they have for the most part dropped their original role we keep them for no other reason than their company. The average person living in an apartment or condominium has no practical use for a pet. We no longer hunt for food, herding is done mainly on horseback, and the responsibility for eradicating vermin has for the most part been outsourced to other humans. So on that basis is it worth it to the average urbanite to keep an animal solely for affectionate purposes?
Humans are unique in the animal world. We not only suffer physical maladies but we also suffer quite acutely from mental maladies. Other animals can of course suffer psychologically but not to the level of humans. Loneliness is a huge problem for humans and can lead to plethora of mental conditions. We can become inert and even die from a mental disorder. One of the best remedial treatments for this is companionship. Animals can fulfill this role quite well. In fact after thousands of years with humans they have in a figurative sense become bred for the purpose of being companions to humans.
Lap dogs, which once fulfilled roles as vermin hunters, now nestle comfortably indoors for the most part. Cats, given half a chance, will revert to their hunting past but for the most part are satisfied to explore a home from every angle. The odd thing is that lapdogs neatly fit the size of a human infant and the exigent meows of a cat are similar in tone and urgency of that of an infant child.
They fulfill the role of surrogate family member for many lonely people and even for people with children. I have often heard the expression “fur babies” used by humans with regards to their pets.
But does that all make it worth having them in our lives? Any thoughtful and logical person knows the plain facts. The average pet will only last around a decade. Perhaps they may stretch out as much as two decades but the point is that they will die sooner rather than later. The deep emotional attachment will inevitably lead to sadness and perhaps more when the pet dies. So knowing that, is it worth investing time, resources, and love for a creature knowing what you know will happen one day?
One might honestly ask the same question about any emotional bond or relationship in life. In some ways we are short-lived creatures. On average we spend the first two decades of life preparing for it and the last decade or so preparing to exit life. In between we have half a century or so to experience what we experience for good or bad. Naturally the average person wants those experiences to be good but I think that once we reach some point in our lives we understand that some unhappiness is inevitable.
I suppose one could go through life without any emotional attachments to another person or animal and have a perfectly good life. But to me at least it seems that it would be a somewhat dull and lackluster existence without any of the brilliance and beauty that interacting with others brings to it.
Is there going to be pain? Of course there is. Pain is a part of life. Accepting that there may be pain and proceeding anyways is a mark of someone who embraces life. Letting pain or the fear of pain dominate you is a sign of retreating from life.
Pets can be the first friends that we make as children, they can be the only one that understands when life isn’t going well, they can be the last link to the outside world when we slip down the long dark tunnel of dementia in our later years.
Everyone has them. We sub-divide and classify people in our lives into different strata.
Rings of familiarity. Depending on how small those rings are there are things that you will and won’t discuss with these people. Things that you will and won’t do with people in these groups. Generally the rings run (from outermost to innermost) nation, tribe, acquaintance, friend, family, me. My rings are a little different.
From the outermost layer we start with all of humanity in its many customs, religions and quirks. Our outermost layer of affinity. Despite all the stupid or terrible things that we do we understand that we’re all human.
We don’t personally interact much with people on the other side of the planet or even most people in our own cities. I will however listen and hear about their problems on the news or internet or in some magazine and empathize. Most likely this represents about 99.995% of humanity to you (literally, do the math if you don’t believe me).
Next comes the national ring. This is becoming a rapidly outdated and meaningless distinction as people from all over the world mix and match and settle where they think they best belong. What it means to be English, or American, or Indian, or Haitian or Malaysian is changing. Not only are people migrating more but the internet is having a homogenizing effect on culture.
At the moment it does have a little validity if only because people for the most part still acknowledge it. This ring, much like the tribal ring, will disappear. I don’t see this ring lasting more than a couple hundred more years at most.
Next we have the lesser acquaintances. The cashier you see maybe twice a month or that guy that jogs past every morning and says hello out of reflex. You may share some absent-minded comments with them such as “how bout this heat?” or “what about that local sports team?”. But mostly it’s for form’s sake.
You don’t expect or think this interaction will lead to anything else and you certainly don’t expect to share some deep problem with them. Of course there’s migration between the rings but it takes time and effort from both parties to boost a person out of this ring up to the next level. This makes up the bulk of the people who “you know”.
Next come the greater acquaintances. These people you see on a weekly to daily basis. Maybe you chat with them on social media, maybe they’re neighbors, or co-workers. They know more about you and you know more about them. But generally what you share is what you allow to be shared. You’re still somewhat guarded around these people.
We then come to the friends layer. This also has inner and outer layers as well. I would say one way that the distinction is made as to who is inner and who is outer is the age of the relationship. Generally older relationships are deeper and therefore inner relationships. Friends get access to more details of your life and get to hear some of the daily worries and maybe even some family gossip.
With friends you also start seeing some built-in and unspoken obligations appear. It’s generally understood that I will pick up a stranded friend in the middle of the night without a second thought, I will go to their wedding and not turn up with the cheapest gift on the registry, I will sit and listen to whatever is on their mind.
The family ring. The people you’ve known the longest. They will expect to have something to say about anything that you share with them and they expect that you will have something to say about anything that they share. Families can be close, they can be distant, competitive. This is the layer where the kidney transplants and the “loan your brother, money ” events occur. It’s also the layer where you can get so angry with them that you can’t stand it. But in the end you take them back cause they are family.
Lastly is me. Ideally there should be one last layer before reaching me. That one special person you share everything with and that knows you so well that they might as well be you. You might think that this person should be in the family ring but no, this is the person that you have a special bond with and that you want to share as much as possible with.
I find personal communications to be extremely important to most things that I do. If I can’t express myself properly to others around me then it really doesn’t matter how good my ideas are. No one will listen to them.
I feel that my main problem is that my voice is too high-pitched and quiet. I don’t believe that gives my ideas enough weight or gravitas. I often find that I get much better results when I present my arguments in a written form.
If I find that I must discuss an issue orally, specially with people who I don’t know I find that I must force myself to deepen my voice and speak more forcefully. This “voice” seems to fit my appearance and personality a little better than my normal speaking voice. The voice lends the necessary force to my words and imbues them with the importance that they deserve.
At the same time though I don’t like to use this ‘voice’ when dealing with people I know on a personal level. They seem more reluctant to open up about themselves if they feel that I might dominate the discussion. So in those situations I tend to quiet down and let them carry the conversation.
I hope to one day refine and find a happy medium that I can adopt and don’t have to “assume”. Something that I don’t have to don and find natural enough to wear every day.
I was writing up a post on conventions in general but current events have taken precedence and I will release that post another day. Over the weekend another in a seemingly endless series of mass murders took place in California. A young man injured 13 people and killed 7 including himself in a vengeance rampage that seemed to be fueled by his lack of a love life.
I first heard about this on Monday and the online article that I read linked to his last YouTube video where he explained what he was going to do. It was a 7 minute long self-pitying rant about how his love life was unsatisfactory and how he had done everything required of him to “get a girl” and how he literally blamed the entire world for what he was now going to do. He apparently also wrote a 100+ page long manifesto that went into more detail but after hearing his video I felt I didn’t need to hear more.
One thing that struck me is the way he continued to use words like “deserve” or “fair”. He said that for all his efforts he deserved love and that women were not being fair by denying him that love. In his mind they were not people. He in fact refers to them as animals. To him they were merely prizes to be won if he put in the hard work and effort. He really didn’t care about their happiness or what they wanted. All he cared about was his own happiness.
This holds up an uncomfortable mirror up to all the male gender and how we relate to women around us. Do we really see the women in our lives as equals? Or do we instead see them at best as second-class citizens and at worst as inanimate objects to be used at our discretion?
What’s particularly troubling is this idea that there is a magic formula for “being loved” and that it’s all a merit based system. The notion that if you persist enough and do all the right things that eventually you will wear down the woman of your dreams and make her your own, regardless of how she feels about it. This turns the woman into an objective to be won and conquered and is pure misogyny plain and simple.
In this life you don’t deserve a thing. You are not guaranteed to get the woman of your dreams, guys. If you’re going to find that true love of your life then it has to be a two-way street and the attraction has to be mutual. If it’s not there, then it’s not there and it’s time to move on and get on with your life.
What is it? How did you get in it? How to get out.
So the “friend zone” is pretty much a familiar term to most people under 50. You are interested in someone romantically but they do not reciprocate the feeling. Although you think of yourself as very compatible in that fashion they do not. They in fact see you as a peer, a companion, a friend but that’s it and to you that isn’t far enough. You’ve reached the limit that this relationship will go and even though you want it to progress farther it won’t. To you it feels as though you’ve been unfairly imprisoned.
Now before you get all excited about this being a new phenomenon be assured that the friend zone has been around since time immemorial and poets and writers have wasted reams of paper, gallons of ink, and now countless blog pages on the subject. They of course didn’t call it “the friend zone” way back when. People would call it “being lovelorn” or “unrequited love”. So don’t think it will be a weird subject for you to discuss with older people or even with your parents. They know all about it.
And lest you think that the “friend zone” only happens to glass wearing nerds or fat kids consider Gone With the Wind. Scarlett O’Hara pretty much “friend zones” Rhett Butler through a good-sized chunk of the movie (yes, I know the book is totally different) and heck, Ashley Wilkes “friend zones” Scarlett most of the time too.So pretty people can be “friend zoned” too.
Also, guys I hate to break it to you but the “friend zone” covers both genders. Men also do this to women in their lives as well. This condition crosses racial, religious, cultural, and sexual preference lines as well. The “friend zone” is ubiquitous as far as the human experience goes. However, for the ease of writing I will approach this mainly from a guy’s perspective.
What to do about it? Wait, back up and let’s see how you got in this mess in the first place. You saw “her” from across a crowded room (or website nowadays) and you were instantly smitten. I’ve found that “love at first sight” instances can more often than not lead to cases of “friend zoning”.
Reason takes a back seat to passion and you become instantly obsessed with that special someone. You’re heart beats an odd rhythm, your blood pressure varies, and you feel odd. It’s no wonder that some physicians of the middle ages considered romantic love to be some sort of mental illness (although this may be apocryphal I’ve heard it quoted various times). The other person on the other hand doesn’t notice a thing. You will probably highlight this moment in your life, to them it’s a Thursday and they had chicken salad for lunch.
Next you go about doing various things to catch her eye. Eventually she acknowledges your presence and you think that you’ve made a breakthrough. You get to talking and as far as you’re concerned things are going quite well. It’s then that things take a turn. Your increased attention doesn’t seem to be reciprocated as much as you expected. She in fact had lots of other guys in her life and things aren’t progressing the way that you thought that they would.
So at this point a normal guy would take a gamble and approach her to see if she wanted to go out on a date or if she felt the same way about you and if not then that’s where the story should end but instead you stay silent.
So why do you stay silent? I mean if this person means that much to you, as you claim that they do, why don’t you say anything? My conclusion is fear of being publicly embarrassed (or at least what you perceive as public). No, seriously. People have done various things to avoid embarrassment. They have avoided reporting crimes, betrayed their country, even committed suicide rather than face embarrassment. So it stands to reason that they would rather keep quiet than to feel embarrassed in case that their suit is rejected. I will touch upon this aspect a little more further down.
So you stay silent and sulk and alternate between feelings of deep passion and resentful anger. Toxic. This affects your concentration at work, your digestion will be off, you will be miserable and exhausted from shifting emotions all the time. Not a nice place to be.
Eventually though something happens. Some other suitor will come along and speak up and sweep her off her feet and definitively close off all your avenues of opportunities. You will feel quietly miserable and mope. Perhaps someone else may catch your eye and prove that your obsession was merely puppy love and you will probably start the cycle all over again.
So you say that neither of those outcomes appeals to you. How then do you get out of the “friend zone”?
I’ve read various magazine articles and watched several YouTube videos on the subject. They mainly deal with ideas such as to become more aloof and less attentive to the person that you want to woo in order to elicit a reaction, or to mirror their actions, or to dress more provocatively or other somewhat childish ploys.
Less popular and touched upon is the idea of self-improvement to change yourself into what they like. Self improvement is fine for its own sake but if you use it for this sort of thing then it’s really just another ploy.
As I said above you could just speak up and get it over with but again there’s that public embarrassment thing to consider. Here I would like to address the person on the other end of the equation. If someone comes to you and professes their feelings and you reject them please do not go around gossiping about it.
Firstly it’s not nice, secondly it’s a private matter between two people and thirdly you don’t know what will happen. Most of the time the other person will go off with crushed feelings and slowly get over it but some reactions can get extreme and range from suicide to violently lashing out. Making a rejection a public affair will make an extreme reaction that much more likely. So unless you feel that your life or their life is in danger, keep it to yourself.
Getting back to getting out of the friend zone, you can try all sorts of tricks to get out of it. Ultimately though you need to realize that the “friend zone” has no geographic boundaries. The “friend zone” is not even an idea shared between you and her. It only exists inside your own mind. You chose to enter it and you are your own jailer and can choose to release yourself whenever you want.
To see the prison that you’ve made for yourself is to leave it.
I took another step into the social media world the other day. I joined LinkedIn. I can’t say that I did so willingly or enthusiastically. I’ve known about LinkedIn for quite a while but I’ve resisted joining for my own reasons.
The whole thing was precipitated by a serious inquiry that came into our website. The client wanted to connect through LinkedIn. Normally other people in the office would deal with this but they were busy so it fell to me and I had to register to begin the conversation. The first thing that struck me is that I have never had anything to do with LinkedIn and yet I had over 200 connection requests already waiting for me. What’s more LinkedIn wanted to take a peek into my mail contacts and social contacts to add more people. I bypassed this option and cropped through the requests taking only the ones that looked familiar and ignoring the rest for now.
Some people might find it odd that I want to keep my professional and social lives apart but to me they have little intersection. My professional life deals with many technical subjects that my friends and family don’t really know all that much about. On the work side, the people who I deal with are mainly consummate professionals. They eat, breathe, and sleep their jobs and don’t really like to share their home life. In some cases I don’t really know anything about them.
To me social media has always been a more private affair that dealt with my life outside of work. Something that was for family and friends. To my peers I am someone who is interested in movies, writing, science fiction, and various other things. To my co-workers and business contacts I am the guy that provides them reliable service and advice.
The only intersection between the two worlds is me.
So how will this play out in the long run? My aim is to try to keep these worlds separate as much as possible. I know that the two sides can be successfully integrated and can even enhance each other in some ways. But I value my home life and I feel a line has to be drawn between the two.
An email arrives at the website general email address.
A possible sales inquiry.
Everyone looks it over. They agree that I would get the honor of answering it.
“Looks like a possibility.” says one of my colleagues.
After reviewing it I frown and explain that it doesn’t look that great to me. He reminds me that we need to look at all of these inquiries as possible sales and have to try our best.
I agree. Each and every one of these inquiries could lead to a possible steady client, maybe even a fortune in revenue for the company.
But I’ve been around the block. I don’t claim to be the greatest salesman ever born. Truth be told I lack some of the innate qualities that salesmen need to be really good at this game. But still, I’ve picked up a few things over the years. Some of those things are warning me about this inquiry. They’re saying that this is not going to be a sale and that it is in fact a waste of time.
I know that they all expect me to go all in on this inquiry and spend all my attention on this just as I would for a known client that’s been coming to our company for years. That’s what I always do but so many things tell me that this is a dead-end. Little things pop out from the email, niggling little details that run up red flags for me. The way the potential client words the email, the lack of details, just the way that the whole thing is put together.
I will willingly commit myself to new business opportunities, to personal challenges, even to new dating opportunities. But I need to feel that at the very least I have the slimmest of chance of succeeding. In this case I see nothing of the sort.
I mean I’ve even gone in blind into situations where I didn’t know anything about my chances of success. Even into situations where the odds looked bad and conditions were unfavorable. Sometimes it was a business proposal, or sometimes scaling down a cliff, or asking someone out. I’ve been in those positions many times. But something would always tell me “take the chance, maybe its worth a try.”
This time though, this email said to me “no, this is not going anywhere”
But I’ve promised to do my best. So I take the task to heart and try my best. A week later and several emails back and forth it turns out that the potential client is an elderly shut in and had no money and just wanted someone to chat with about professional matters.
I get the satisfaction of knowing that I was right but that really doesn’t make up for the time lost.
Sometimes you get into a situation where you know a piece of bad news (and I mean really bad news not bad luck or a slight inconvenience) that doesn’t directly impact you but you have to tell someone else that it will affect. No one likes to hear bad news but I think even more so, nobody likes to deliver it.
Delivering bad news almost makes you feel like you’re to blame for the misfortune. For my part my stomach gets tied in knots just thinking about giving out bad news. Knowing that I am about to make someone unhappy, I really don’t want to be the one to deliver it. Yet it feels as if I’m doing something wrong by withholding the news. Blurting out bad news just to relieve this feeling is the worst thing you can do. You might feel better getting it out of your system but the person hearing the bad news might not.
We’re not all alike.
Some of us are made of sterner stuff and can shrug off bad news. Then again some people fall apart at the slightest downturn. Deliver the news as you would like to be told? Not necessarily. Again you might be much tougher than the person that you’re going to tell.
Consider the situation and the person you are talking to. If possible recollect how they have received bad news in the past and how they handled it. Would telling them in a different way work better?
Timing. For my part I hate getting bad news at the end of the day. I can’t sleep if I do. As a rule of thumb it’s best done in the mornings after breakfast. The body’s needs are met, the mind has shifted from being asleep to being awake and the person’s state of mind is usually at their peak.
Manage the news. Don’t just blurt it all out like a destructive torrent. Consider what you are going to say, what the reaction might be, and what you hope will be the reaction. Tell the bad news but feed it slowly in manageable pieces.
If you care about someone, delivering bad news is a responsibility that you will have to take on some time in your life. Doing it properly and with forethought is just another way of proving that you care.
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