Category Archives: Dating

Fine with it for now

August 18, 2015 6:14 AM , Leave a Comment ,

“There’s someone for everyone”

No there really isn’t.

I mean it’s a nice thought and all but just going by the raw numbers it’s a fallacy.  Numerically, there are more men in the world than women. A gender distribution of 50.4% male to 49.6% female or a deficit of nearly 60 million women.

That’s just simple numbers.  Then you figure in a host of other factors such as age, geographic distribution, preference factors, and others inputs and the facts can really get you down.  Finding a “someone” is a bit of a challenge for the average person.

Bars, Clubs, Groups, book clubs, or whatever?  I have a wide array of acquaintances but few friends and those few friends I cultivate over a long time.  You can imagine how long it takes for me to decide that someone is special.  Usually by then it’s too late.

You may ask “Can’t technology and the modern information era help?”

I’ve tried online dating and for the most part it’s been less than satisfactory.  For all the technology, the search philosophies, and the paid services that they advertise, they are essentially all the same.  Additionally, some deliberately skew results based on arbitrary factors.

Years ago I ran across this little gem of a video.

Basically the idea behind the video is that you could carefully use data, statistical analysis, and market research to find that person that you would want to spend your time with.

I liked part of the idea.  Using data and statistics to see how many women there are in the greater Houston area that I might want to date.  I put together a list of criteria fitting my own requirements, I then looked up some demographic information for the Houston area and ran the numbers.  The results weren’t all that encouraging.

In a population of 1,045,000 women in the Houston area (2012 numbers) there were about 88 women that fit the criteria.  I looked back through the criteria to see if I was being unreasonably picky.  Some of the criteria:  single, age between 36 and 45, college educated, relatively healthy, and attractive to me which I set at about 10%. I fiddled with the population size to include the surrounding communities and loosened up the tolerances but I never got over 513.  No, not a scientific survey but it did give me some scope to the problem.

Searching for 513 (not to mention 88) women in a population of over a million and spread out over a 600 square mile area didn’t really seem like a doable task.  A lot of knocking on doors and a lot of slapped faces.

But I mean even setting this aside.  Supposing I find “the one”, the other part of the equation remains as an open question.  Does “the one” like me?

That’s the part that always trips you up.  Basically you have to run one set of equations on one side and the other person has to run the same equation and both have to hope that the numbers match up.  Makes you wonder how people manage to hook up at all and also makes you think that maybe there’s a good reason why so many marriages end up in divorce.

But does this mean that I should just despair; just throw my hands up and quit looking?

No and yes.

Firstly, no.  I am not throwing up my hands in despair and quitting.  That’s just not me.  I may quit for other reasons but never for despair.  Long ago I once found love.  It didn’t last but I’ve kept on trying ever since.

Secondly, yes.  I am getting older and the biological imperative to find “someone” to procreate just isn’t as pressing anymore.  I have several nieces and nephews already and for the most part the trend among people in my generation is towards smaller or no families at all.

Also, looking through some of the demographic data from the US census, the trend for older Americans to be single or to live alone, has been increasing since the ’90s.  So I am not alone in this.

So will I keep looking?  Sure.  I will continue to look for that one woman who I can share adventures with, or live quietly with on a day-to-day basis, or just hold close. Someone that feels like my partner or co-conspirator in our escapades.

I think though that I might step back from the process for a while.  Watch and wait for a bit.  Work on myself and make my side of the equation a little more attractive.

I once wrote that one of my biggest fears was growing old alone.  I hope that will not be the case. But I need to be prepared in case that turns out to be my future.

For now I’m fine with where I am at.

Posted in: dating, life in general, relationships

How to tell if someone likes you

June 27, 2015 6:56 AM , Leave a Comment ,

[Author’s note: Admittedly this is somewhat of a juvenile topic but I am at a somewhat low ebb as far as topic ideas go, so this is pretty much filler material.  Hope to come up with some good topics soon.]

So you’ve set your sights on your one true love (for this week), but you don’t know whether that person reciprocates your affections.  You want to know for sure before you commit yourself wholeheartedly into this affair but how to find out discreetly?

Here are some surefire (fairly sure that they might work) methods that will ascertain the truth or at the very least give you excuses to do have some stupid or zany adventures.

1.  touch.  Does she hug you harder or for a longer period of time than you think might be appropriate for a casual acquaintance.  Extra pats on the back.  That may be inconclusive.  Maybe she’s a habitual hugger.  Set up an experiment and send some mutual acquaintances to meet her and stand by with a stopwatch and clipboard.  Get at least 20 people to do this to have a good control group.

2.  humor.  Does she laugh at the most stupid and ridiculous and quite frankly inane jokes that you tell?  Get a joke book of some of the worst jokes you can find, memorize and tell them to her and gauge her reaction.  Knock knock jokes are always a good test.  Anything above a chuckle is a sure tell.

3.  personal thoughts.  Is she sharing things with you that she normally would not?  Does she know that you will not divulge those secrets to anyone and trusts your judgment?  Give her some fake “personal information” and see if she will reciprocate with some of her own secrets.  Tell her about your crazy Aunt Milly and see if she admits to madness in her family.

4.  Body language.  Does she stand closer to you than normal?  Is her body closed off or open when talking to you?  Step in extra close and see if she backs off or holds her ground.  Back off a bit and see if she closes the gap.  Now step in and step back.  In and back, in and back.  Now you’re dancing.

5. interests.  Does she share interests with you that she probably doesn’t like but likes because you like them?  Find the most boring and tedious part of your interest and see if she likes that too.

So after all that do the signs look good?  Is it time to take the plunge, risk it all, do the leap of faith thing?…..  Plunge right in and take this friendship to the next level…. or totally misinterpret things and ruin your friendship.

Yeah….  Maybe some more observation is called for.

 

[Author’s note 2: Okay, admittedly this was more a humorous post than anything else.  But I think there is a little hint of the male thought process when it comes to trying to determine whether someone is attracted to him.  The most confident of men become stumbling bumbling teenage boys.  Specially if they really like a person.  It’s easy to advise them to “just ask them” but when the stakes are high you really don’t want to screw things up.  Possibly damned if you do, probably damned if you don’t.]

Posted in: dating, humor, psychology, relationships

Extra energy

May 12, 2015 7:06 AM , Leave a Comment ,

[Author’s note:  This is an edited and reprinted post from April 2007]

So I step out of the house and go to my car this morning and I see that nature has pollinated all over my shiny Dodge.

The formerly midnight blue glossy coat was now covered by a yellow dusty cover. Those harlot pine trees had done all their business all over my car. Nature is in full bloom

Birds and bees are doing unspeakable and I would think unnatural things. Couples out together, the wafting fragrances of Spring are in the air and a young man’s fancy turns to thoughts of how long it had been since he had last…..pollinated.

Other species have it easy. Young Rams for example will butt heads to see who is the fittest and strongest one to mate. This has two advantages. One it assures the survival of the species, but a more socially practical benefit is that the losers have such a bad headache they forget all about pollination for the rest of the year and don’t cause trouble.

Human males of course don’t butt heads, and the only other suitable outlets for this frustration (pillaging, war, midnight street racing) are tightly regulated by law these days.

So that tends to leave a lot of pent-up energy that needs to be released. Now people with the time and the inclination will use up this energy with hobbies, working out in the gym, plotting world domination, or discovering unified field theories. Luckily my laziness has evolved beyond these simple pass times to embrace a much more worthwhile endeavor. Beating up orcs in Everquest.

So whenever the frustration is too great I’ll take out my high level character and wander to one of the beginner zones and start pounding the hell out of anything that moves.

No one but computer generated files suffer and after an hour or two of laying waste to an entire culture you get a sense of satisfaction and forget about any other needs.

Of course that still leaves my pollen covered car in the drive way, but that’s what car washes are for.

Posted in: activities, attitude, culture, dating, life in general, relationships

What’s really attractive

April 28, 2015 6:26 AM , Leave a Comment ,

One of the nice things about getting older, at least for me, is that looks begin to lose their allure.  Don’t get me wrong, a pretty face, a trim figure, beautiful eyes.  I will always appreciate those.  But over the years I’ve learned that there is a lot more to appreciate about a person than their looks and that good looks may not necessarily go hand in hand with a bright mind, an interesting persona, an appealing attitude, or any of a thousand other things that I find appealing in a person.

So what is attractive?  Mind you I don’t claim to speak for anyone else but myself but I think my attitude is fairly typical within reason.

So some attractive characteristics in no particular order.

Intelligence. I would think that this would be so obvious it didn’t need to be mentioned but apparently it does.  It’s something you can’t find out about until you actually talk to that other person but it can soon become obvious.  The ability to think, to reason, to be more than just well read but to be able to form opinions or new thoughts.  I tend to value these abilities fairly highly.  I think it makes for a stronger and more satisfying long-term relationship.

An open mind.  Related to the above I know but I think it’s important to be able to openly talk about different cultures, different points of view, different perspectives, even things that you may not like, art forms you may not appreciate, ideas that repulse you.  I’m not saying embrace them but be able to look at them objectively and then if they don’t like it well then fine. At least the attempt was made.  But being able to communicate openly with the other person is vital.

Outside interests and hobbies.  I want a whole person that has their own life and own interests not someone that’s just waiting for me to supply their reason for being.  Whatever those interests may be; sports, business, hobbies, music, whatever.  This is part of their whole being and if they practice and enjoy these interests then I think that makes them that much more interesting.

Convictions.  Believing in something and sticking to those principles.  A truly admirable quality that not many people can claim for themselves.

Humor.  A must not only for a potential mate but for friends in general.  Being able to laugh not just at the world in general but at yourself is something that more people should engage in regularly.

Adventurous. Be able to take a chance every once in a while.  Life’s just too short for playing it safe.  I don’t mean be reckless but definitely not looking for someone who stays home and plays it safe.

Not a comprehensive list by any means but I think it covers the highlights.  I know finding all of these qualities in one person is asking a lot.  Maybe too much.  But I don’t think so.  I mean this is an important choice.  Not like a haircut that will grow out in a couple of months or a pair of pants that you thought might look good.  This is someone who I want to spend my time with.  It should be something that I should be picky about.

 

Posted in: dating, life in general, relationships, thought

incompatible

July 24, 2014 6:27 AM , Leave a Comment ,

So I was in a large bookshop the other day just rummaging around in the travel section and reading up on vacation spots around the world when I see a former date over in the romance novels isle.  I didn’t exactly hide but neither did I go up to her.  She was not the worst date ever but we had definite compatibility issues.

Back in 2005 a mutual acquaintance introduced me to Betty (not her real name of course).  She was 20 at the time and was in college and seemed fairly bright and mature.  So I finally got round to asking her out and gave her the choice of where to go.  She picked this “Chinese” restaurant where the food was microwaved and the decor came out of a Pier One catalog.  Midway through dinner she mentioned that she had promised to meet up with her friends at a club and wouldn’t it be fun to do that?

So off to the club we went.  It was called polly esthers.  A 70s style disco where the 20something crowd hung out and danced.

This was ironic for two reasons, One, none of them had even been alive in the 70s, and two, the club had given up on disco and was mostly playing modern stuff.

So we get to the club and her friends turn out to be mostly younger guys.  I made a valiant effort to dance but I’m just not a dancer so I quickly desisted and hung out at the bar while Betty was on the dance floor with her friends doing shots and boogieing down.  After a while I decided this wasn’t for me and told her I was taking off.  She said she was going to stay and grab a ride home with her friends.

Couple weeks pass and she calls me up and says she wants to make it up for the dance club and wants to go out again.  So we settle on dinner and a movie.  I took her to one of the better Vietnamese restaurants so she could sample real Asian cuisine and she didn’t like that.  Something bout too spicy.

I tried to come up with some topics of mutual interest but I was coming up with little to nothing at all to talk about.  Her interests mainly centered around contemporary music, TV, and celebrities.

Then we headed off to the movie that she picked.  This was one of those Jennifer Aniston romantic comedy movies (Ok we get it Jennifer, your marriage sucked).  We settled in and the previews came on.  One of the previews was for the 20th anniversary of “Back to the future“.

I commented “Wow, I was a kid when this came out”, she commented “Wow, I wasn’t even born back then”  and that’s when I realized I had made a horrible mistake.

Betty was cute enough but there wasn’t really all that much common ground there between us and the age difference didn’t help things.  So after the movie we ended the night on a fairly muted note.

Luckily she started dating some other guy and that was the end of my involvement with her.  I was honestly happy for her and for myself.  We could have continued dating but I don’t think anything positive would have come of it.

Back in the present she picked out some romance novel and headed off to pay for it without noticing me.  I buried my nose in a travel guide for New Zealand.

Posted in: activities, dating, life in general

the friend zone thing

April 27, 2014 6:27 AM , 2 Comments ,

What is it?  How did you get in it?  How to get out.

So the “friend zone” is pretty much a familiar term to most people under 50.  You are interested in someone romantically but they do not reciprocate the feeling.  Although you think of yourself as very compatible in that fashion they do not.  They in fact see you as a peer, a companion, a friend but that’s it and to you that isn’t far enough.  You’ve reached the limit that this relationship will go and even though you want it to progress farther it won’t.  To you it feels as though you’ve been unfairly imprisoned.

Now before you get all excited about this being a new phenomenon be assured that the friend zone has been around since time immemorial and poets and writers have wasted reams of paper, gallons of ink, and now countless blog pages on the subject.  They of course didn’t call it “the friend zone” way back when.  People would call it “being lovelorn” or “unrequited love”.  So don’t think it will be a weird subject for you to discuss with older people or even with your parents.  They know all about it.

And lest you think that the “friend zone” only happens to glass wearing nerds or fat kids consider Gone With the Wind.  Scarlett O’Hara pretty much “friend zones” Rhett Butler through a good-sized chunk of the movie (yes, I know the book is totally different) and heck, Ashley Wilkes “friend zones” Scarlett most of the time too.   So pretty people can be “friend zoned” too.

Also, guys I hate to break it to you but the “friend zone” covers both genders.  Men also do this to women in their lives as well.  This condition crosses racial, religious, cultural, and sexual preference lines as well.  The “friend zone” is ubiquitous as far as the human experience goes.  However, for the ease of writing I will approach this mainly from a guy’s perspective.

What to do about it?  Wait, back up and let’s see how you got in this mess in the first place.  You saw “her” from across a crowded room (or website nowadays) and you were instantly smitten.  I’ve found that “love at first sight” instances can more often than not lead to cases of “friend zoning”.

Reason takes a back seat to passion and you become instantly obsessed with that special someone.  You’re heart beats an odd rhythm, your blood pressure varies, and you feel odd.  It’s no wonder that some physicians of the middle ages considered romantic love to be some sort of mental illness (although this may be apocryphal I’ve heard it quoted various times).  The other person on the other hand doesn’t notice a thing.  You will probably highlight this moment in your life, to them it’s a Thursday and they had chicken salad for lunch.

Next you go about doing various things to catch her eye.  Eventually she acknowledges your presence and you think that you’ve made a breakthrough.  You get to talking and as far as you’re concerned things are going quite well.  It’s then that things take a turn.  Your increased attention doesn’t seem to be reciprocated as much as you expected.  She in fact had lots of other guys in her life and things aren’t progressing the way that you thought that they would.

So at this point a normal guy would take a gamble and approach her to see if she wanted to go out on a date or if she felt the same way about you and if not then that’s where the story should end but instead you stay silent.

So why do you stay silent?  I mean if this person means that much to you, as you claim that they do, why don’t you say anything?  My conclusion is fear of being publicly embarrassed (or at least what you perceive as public).  No, seriously.  People have done various things to avoid embarrassment.  They have avoided reporting crimes, betrayed their country, even committed suicide rather than face embarrassment.  So it stands to reason that they would rather keep quiet than to feel embarrassed in case that their suit is rejected.  I will touch upon this aspect a little more further down.

So you stay silent and sulk and alternate between feelings of deep passion and resentful anger.  Toxic.  This affects your concentration at work, your digestion will be off, you will be miserable and exhausted from shifting emotions all the time.  Not a nice place to be.

Eventually though something happens.  Some other suitor will come along and speak up and sweep her off her feet and definitively close off all your avenues of opportunities.  You will feel quietly miserable and mope.  Perhaps someone else may catch your eye and prove that your obsession was merely puppy love and you will probably start the cycle all over again.

So you say that neither of those outcomes appeals to you.  How then do you get out of the “friend zone”?

I’ve read various magazine articles and watched several YouTube videos on the subject.  They mainly deal with ideas such as to become more aloof and less attentive to the person that you want to woo in order to elicit a reaction, or to mirror their actions, or to dress more provocatively or other somewhat childish ploys.

Less popular and touched upon is the idea of self-improvement to change yourself into what they like.  Self improvement is fine for its own sake but if you use it for this sort of thing then it’s really just another ploy.

As I said above you could just speak up and get it over with but again there’s that public embarrassment thing to consider.  Here I would like to address the person on the other end of the equation.  If someone comes to you and professes their feelings and you reject them please do not go around gossiping about it.

Firstly it’s not nice, secondly it’s a private matter between two people and thirdly you don’t know what will happen.  Most of the time the other person will go off with crushed feelings and slowly get over it but some reactions can get extreme and range from suicide to violently lashing out.  Making a rejection a public affair will make an extreme reaction that much more likely.  So unless you feel that your life or their life is in danger, keep it to yourself.

Getting back to getting out of the friend zone, you can try all sorts of tricks to get out of it.  Ultimately though you need to realize that the “friend zone” has no geographic boundaries.  The “friend zone” is not even an idea shared between you and her.  It only exists inside your own mind.  You chose to enter it and you are your own jailer and can choose to release yourself whenever you want.

To see the prison that you’ve made for yourself is to leave it.

Posted in: dating, relationships

Dating do’s and don’t s

February 6, 2014 6:35 AM , 1 Comment ,

 

Truthfully I don’t remember what this post was supposed to be about.

I recall that I had an idea in the shower about a week ago.  I had several other things to attend to so I penned a short note in the blog and forgot about it.  Now that I’ve come back to it the note says:

“dating do’s and don’t:  mostly I don’t”

Not too clear.  However it’s on the list and since we’re near Valentines day I might as well write something about dating and get that semi-obligatory post out-of-the-way.

Right, so taking a cue from the note, mostly I don’t date.  Introverted and shy are not the best combination to work with as far as dating goes so that’s a handicap even before coming out of the gate.  However, even a broken clock is right twice a day so I’ve picked up the odd date here and there (some odder than the rest).  So here are some first date tips and hard-won lessons from memories of those dates from long, long ago.

 

…(long ago)

 

Do’s

  • Establish that this is going to be a date.  In most cases you don’t have to blurt out “This is going to be a date, right?”  But sometimes it’s needed.

Pro tip:  Start with something like “Do you want to go out on a date?”  Pretty unmistakable intention right there.

  • Know something about your date.  Not knowing that your date is vegan and taking them to a steak place is not advisable.  I mean I get it that you just met this person like a week ago and haven’t had any in-depth conversations and all but I think that might be a good detail to know?

Obviously something attracted you to this person so why not do a little research first?  Just don’t be too creepy and carry around a clipboard with a list of questions.

  • Confidence.  Dates can smell fear.  You must be relaxed yet assertive.  Cool but not cold.  Self assured yet not arrogant.  Act like that movie cool actor you saw in that movie (whatever that movie was) that you liked.

Just don’t quote lines from the movie verbatim and if you do, make sure that it’s not a movie that your date knows.

  • Have something in common.  Going out with someone just because they’re good-looking will usually be very boring.  The conversation will quickly start to revolve around how good-looking they are and what they do to stay good-looking and how they like to be around other good-looking people.  After that (say about the time that the salad arrives) things pretty much go dead quiet for the rest of the evening.

Going out with someone who you have something in common will give you something to start with and usually leads to other topics of discussion so at least your date won’t be boring.

  • Dress (yes, you must wear clothes) appropriately.  Going to a heavy metal bar in business attire is usually not advisable (meaning safe) nor is meeting your date at some high society function looking like you just came from panhandling next to the 59 and Kirby underpass.

Pro tip:  Soccer moms in mini vans are the best panhandling opportunities.

Showers are amazingly effective in making your dates not run away; as is some sort of deodorant/perfume/cologne.  Just don’t go overboard.  A clean smell is preferable to smelling like a Fort Worth stockyard in mid August or like a Marseille bordello.

  •  Ending the evening.  Always try to end the evening on a positive and cordial note no matter how horribly it went.  At the very least you will gain a friendly acquaintance from the experience.

Always smile and if they apologize for a terrible evening say something like “I never did mind about the little things.”  (bonus points if you can tell me from what movie that line came from.)

(Addendum).  Not really sure what the procedure is for a successful date as it so rarely happens to me.  I can however speculate.  One thing that springs to mind is to ask for another date.  Then if you’re successful at obtaining one, try to remember what you did right the first time, then, do it again.

Don’t s

  • Don’t do something involved for the first date.  Things like going to the movies together, or sports events, or spelunking.  Things that require both parties concentration.  You want to get to know the other person the first time around not just go to another event.  Save that for down the road.

Hang out together, talk.  Some people I know have had “phone” dates and chatted on the phone for 6 hours at a time.  Other people take walks or share a drink.  If you make it an alcoholic drink keep it to a mild buzz.  You don’t want to have to rely on your date to drive you home or to hold your hair back while you kneel in front of a toilet bowl.

  • Put away the cell phone, the tablet, the beeper, or whatever.  Unless you’re like a heart surgeon or a member of SEAL team 6.  Then yes, keep that stuff on…  People are depending on you.

But really it’s just rude and you’re cheating yourself of the experience.  This is time set aside for this person not just a regular part of your routine.  Make the honest effort to make the date special.

  • Don’t get too personal on your first date.  You don’t know this person that well.  Maybe they will get scared off if you get too personal or maybe you don’t want to see them after this date and you don’t want them knowing all this stuff about you.  Keep things casual and light at first.

On the other hand if you want to get rid of them and freak them out you can tell them that you’re carrying your meth-head ex-boyfriend’s baby and that he just busted out of prison and might be in the area.

  • Don’t try to be someone you’re not.  Be yourself and don’t try to over impress on the first date.  If you do this then you have to come up with a back story to frame your over impressive self-resume and that just devolves into lying.

You have to come up with various reasons as to why your private jet isn’t working and can’t fly you to your beach house on St. Kitt’s Island and I mean have you even looked into the price for renting a private jet by the hour?  Ridiculous!

  • Sex (there, I said it).  Just put that out of your mind for the first date.  Unless there are sparks and fireworks going off all around you (and it’s not just gunfire in the distance) you won’t even reach this level of intimacy for a few dates.

Focus on other things like not coming off as creepy or desperate (see confidence up above)

  • Don’t assume anything.  Maybe the date went better than you think; maybe it was a total fiasco.  A wait and see attitude is always best.

If weeks pass by and the other person’s phone number has changed or they’ve moved without any forwarding address then yes it probably was a bad date.

The best piece of advice that I could give is to try to have a good time.  That’s the point of the date, right?  It shouldn’t be a chore or a bothersome obligation or something that you dread.  If it starts feeling like that then maybe this is a sign that this isn’t going anywhere.

Posted in: activities, dating, relationships