MUDs

[Author’s note:  This is a reprint of a popular internet post from the 1990’s.  The Author is anonymous and most probably lost to history.  It involves game play in a MUD (multi user dungeon).  MUDs allowed you to play against other people on the then primitive internet.  Back before the web you could play online games but you had to use your imagination.  All gameplay was text-based.  This is where I got my first taste of playing online against other computer users.  This is what a trip to Denny’s might look like if it happened in a MUD]

LOADING, PLEASE WAIT…
You have entered Denny’s.
You say, ‘Hail Denny’s hostess’
Denny’s hostess says ‘Hello, Tom. Welcome to Denny’s. [Smoking] or [non-smoking]?’
You say, ‘non-smoking’
You say, ‘I would like non-smoking please’
You say, ‘what about non-smoking’
Denny’s hostess says ‘Right this way, please.’
You are out of food and drink.
Corey shouts, ‘has anyone seen the waiter?’
Gary shouts, ‘no and ive been camping him for a half hour’
You are out of food and drink.
Ester shouts, ‘I see him’
Corey shouts, ‘dont kill him, i still have to do the order quest’
You are hungry.
You are thirsty.
You are out of food and drink.
You say, ‘Hail Denny’s waiter’
Denny’s waiter says ‘Hello, Tom. You look like you could use some [coffee]’
You say, ‘Yes I’ll have some coffee’
You say, ‘what about coffee’
Denny’s waiter says ‘Ah, excellent! We have [regular] and [decaf].’
You say, ‘I will have some decaf’
You say, ‘what about decaf’
You say, ‘what about decaffeinated coffee’
Denny’s waiter says ‘I expected nothing less of you. Here, take this.’
You gain experience!
Your faction standing with Juan Valdez got better
You drink your coffee.
You were hit by non-melee for 39 dmg
YOU are burning!
You shout, ‘Ow hehe this coffee’s hot’
Karen shouts, ‘Haha u sux0r’
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
Annoying kid says ‘Pikachuuuuuu’
Annoying kid tries to hit YOU, but misses!
Annoying kid tries to hit YOU, but misses!
Annoying kid hits YOU for 3 points of damage.
Auto-attack on.
You hit Annoying kid for 17 points of damage.
You hit Annoying kid for 22 points of damage.
You have slain Annoying kid!
Your faction standing with Disciplineless Mothers got worse
Your faction standing with Denny’s Customers got better
Your faction standing with The World at Large got better
Annoying kid’s corpse0 says ‘My mother will avenge my death!’
You receive 3 copper as your split.
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
Disciplineless mother says ‘Your actions and history are a personal affront to all I stand for.’
Disciplineless mother begins casting a spell.
Disciplineless mother pet is enveloped in flames.
Off-duty police officer says ‘Hey! No pets in the building!’
Disciplineless mother pet hits YOU for 18 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer hits Disciplineless mother for 287 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer hits Disciplineless mother for 234 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer kicks Disciplineless mother for 27 points of damage.
Disciplineless mother is slain by Off-duty police officer!
Disciplineless mother pet hits YOU for 12 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer hits Disciplineless mother pet for 262 points of damage.
Off-duty police officer was burned.
Disciplineless mother pet is slain by Off-duty police officer!
Off-duty police officer says ‘Let this be a lesson, that none can withstand the wrath of the San Diego Department of Public Safety.’
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
You say, ‘Hail Denny’s waiter’
Denny’s waiter says ‘Can I get you some more [coffee]?’
You say, ‘No, I want to place my order’
You say, ‘Can I place my order?’
You say, ‘Let me place my order ******!’
Denny’s waiter says ‘Ah, would you like to try our [Grand Slam Breakfast]?’
You say, ‘I will have the grand slam breakfast’
Denny’s waiter says ‘How would you like your [eggs]?’
You say, ‘scrambled’
You say, ‘I would like them scrambled’
You say, ‘what about eggs’
Denny’s waiter says ‘You can have [scrambled eggs] or [fried eggs].’
You say, ‘I will have scrambled eggs’
Denny’s waiter says ‘Excellent, would you like anything to drink? Some [orange juice], perhaps?’
You say, ‘I will have orange juice’
You say, ‘what about orange juice’
Denny’s waiter says ‘Our orange juice is fresh squeezed from concentrate.’
You say, ‘give me orange juice’
Denny’s waiter says ‘Okay, I’ll be right back with your orange juice.’
You gain experience!
You are hungry.
You are out of food.
Gordon shouts, ‘Attention, your bacon is now raw, because fully-cooked bacon lacks the inherent risks associated with our Vision of Bacon.’
Lawrence shouts, ‘Wait a minute, this bacon hasn’t been cooked for months’
Gordon shouts, ‘Uhh… yes it has.’
Robert shouts, ‘You kidding? We’ve been complaining about this stuff being raw for ages’
Gordon shouts, ‘Uh, whatever.’
Gordon shouts, ‘Oh.’
Gordon shouts, ‘uh…. I’ve just been informed that the bacon has been raw for several months now, but we were unable to determine this until we fixed a bug with the pancakes, which were previously large enough to obscure the bacon.’
Gordon shouts, ‘… Oh, yeah, we nerfed your pancakes too.’
Denny’s waiter says ‘Here is your breakfast, Tom.’
You gain experience!
Your faction standing with Denny’s Customers got worse
Scrambled eggs looks at you threateningly – what would you like your tombstone to say?
You taste your eggs.
You are chilled to the bone.
You shout, ‘oh man my eggs are cold’
Robert shouts, ‘petition a manager then’
You petition, ‘my scrambled eggs are cold’
Kevin shouts, ‘Ack train to restroom!!!’
Thom says, ‘Lynn, I still can’t believe you can eat this stuff’
Denny’s waiter says ‘Here is your breakfast, Lynn.’
Lynn begins to cast a spell.
Lynn is protected from poison.
Lynn says, ‘I always come prepared’
You shout, ‘Man, where’s the manager’
Karen shouts, ‘Haha u pteitond a managr u sux0r’
George tells you, ‘Greetings, Tom, I am George, the Denny’s manager. How can I assist you?’
You tell George, ‘my scrambled eggs are cold’
George tells you, ‘I will be with you as soon as possible, please stay patient’
You sip your coffee.
A cool breeze slips through your mind.
George says, ‘Greetings, Tom. Are your eggs still cold?’
You say, ‘yes’
George begins to cast a spell.
Scrambled eggs burst into flame.
George says, ‘Take care’
Michelle says, ‘Ack, I don’t feel so well’
Michelle begins to cast a spell.
Alka-Seltzer staggers.
Michelle staggers.
Michelle beams a smile at Alka-Seltzer.
Michelle says, ‘Ahhh, I feel much better now…’
Denny’s waiter says ‘Here, let me clear that away for you.’
You say, ‘Hey, wait, that’s my food, I’m not done yet….’
You shout, ‘Hey, this waiter took my food’
Corey shouts, ‘Yep, they do that sometimes if you let your food sit there’
You say, ‘Hail Denny’s waiter’
Denny’s waiter says ‘Hello there, Tom, how can I help you?’
You say, ‘Check please’
Denny’s waiter says ‘Okay, here you go.’
You gain experience!
You say, ‘Hail Denny’s cashier’
Denny’s cashier says ‘Hello there, would you like to pay your [check]?’
You say, ‘Yes I want to pay my check’
You say, ‘what about my check’
Denny’s cashier says ‘You must give me the check before I can reveal more to you.’
Denny’s cashier says ‘Ah, excellent! Would you like to know your [total]?’
You gain experience!
Your faction standing with Denny’s Cashiers got better
You say, ‘what is my total’
Denny’s cashier says ‘Your total is 6 gold, 7 silver, 9 copper. Will you be paying with a [MasterCard]?’
You say, ‘yes I will use a mastercard’
Denny’s cashier says ‘Unfortunately your MasterCard is over-limit. Would you prefer to pay with [cash]?’
Your faction standing with MasterCard got worse
Your faction standing with Cheesy-*** High-Interest-Rate Credit Card Companies got better
You say, ‘yes I will pay with cash’
Denny’s cashier says ‘Your total is 6 gold, 7 silver, 9 copper then.’
You gain experience!
You receive 2 silver.
You receive 1 copper.
Denny’s waiter says ‘You have stiffed me on my tip for the last time!’
Denny’s waiter crushes YOU for 217 points of damage!
Denny’s waiter crushes YOU for 204 points of damage!
Denny’s waiter hits YOU for 226 points of damage!
Denny’s waiter tries to hit YOU, but misses!
Denny’s waiter bashes YOU for 74 points of damage!
You are stunned.
Denny’s waiter crushes YOU for 189 points of damage!
You are bleeding to death!
Denny’s waiter crushes YOU for 221 points of damage!
You have been slain by Denny’s waiter!
You are no longer stunned.
LOADING, PLEASE WAIT…
You have entered Verant.
You shout, ‘Can I get a SOW? My corpse is all the way over in Denny’s’
Karen shouts, ‘Haha u sux0r’